I Swear This is the Longest Meme in the World

When She Says says meme, I meme. However, I shall add context where necessary, because it's more fun when there's explanation. In my life, I have ….

(X) smoked a cigarette
 A few times. The most memorable was at an outdoor George Thorogood concert with Kyle after drinking most of a bottle of vodka while huddling in the shade.

(X) crashed a car
 Also with Kyle. Hey...I'm gonna ding you. Just like Chris Sells dings people. Isn't it funny how he dings people? But unlike him, I'm going to hold on to the steering wheel until you fly off the road into a large street light.

(X) got drunk with a good friend
 See #1. However, my favorite gettin' drunk time is probably a.) when we went to the strip club and Dan'l lost my expensive sweater vest at the strip club and Kyle ripped up his shoulder by diving off concrete stairs on the way back to my apartment or b.) When Dan'l tried to break into his own car with a screwdriver because we locked him out and took his keys and I ended up sitting on the big rock by the Monti bridge all night and ordering a Domino's pizza delivered to the rock while I waited for him to cross the choke point because he ran away from Maple Lake (saw a lot of people I knew that night - "Hey, Scooter, how's it going?" "Great, great." "Kinda late...nice rock?" "Very comfortable." "Ok...say 'hi' to your parents."

( ) stolen a car - no, but I have a second cousin I like who went to jail for just this offense.

(X) been in love
 Love my wife. Love my daughter. Love Tall Brad. But only because he looks at me in that special way. I should probably fess up to loving my first girlfriend, because she made me cry.

(X) been dumped
 See that last item...she made me cry. Generally I've done the dumping, or done the passive aggressive get dumped and make them think they initiated it move - but my first girlfriend dumped me solid. Come to think of it, my wife dumped me. Hey, honey. Remember how you told me you didn't want to date me while we sat on that picnic bench near the Mississippi River, horny bunnies fucking in the background. My Dad bought me put-it-together-yourself furniture the next weekend so I'd quit being so mopey. I rearranged my whole living room. I remember the black skirt you wore to Dwain's wedding to make up for it, but the bunnies, the scar they seared in my mind still aches.

() shoplifted - Hell no. Shoplifting is for young Korean female immigrants/adoptees, who are caught, chastised, and brought home by a good friend of their brother's to the surprise of said brother. "Umm...Hey Dave. What's up." "Scooter! This is your house? Is this your sister?" "Maybe...what'd she do?" "Shoplifted." "Something expensive?" "Naw, kid crap." "Yeah...we're related." "You should keep an eye on her." "That won't happen."

( ) been fired
 No...but I once stomped out because I quit. They increased my health care costs because I was the only one without a spouse. Bastards. I also quit by fax once, and was then asked to participate in an exit interview where the VP told me the internet was just a fad (one of my reasons for leaving - I wanted to do more work on internet-related projects) and I was a foo. He did own an airplane and I don't. So maybe in the grand scheme of things I am the foo.

(X) been in a fist fight- sort of. Kid in high school who always gave me shit. One day I decided I was done and threw him against a wall, pinning him about 24" off the ground. Drew quite a crowd. Probably didn't help that he picked on a Boy Scout (in uniform) earlier - that was a no-no - uniform day was no pick on the Boy Scouts day, even if they were dorks. Transgressions earned you some time with Bob and myself. I should have been in a fight at Gastof when someone kept brushing against my wife's breasts, but I wasn't around, so my friend Mike, all of 5'3" (?) apparently stuck up for her. That must have been hilarious.

(x) snuck out of my parent’s house - all my windows were ground level. I'd have done it more often if it weren't for my rational fear of bigfoot. I think the highpoint was just leaving and walking several miles to my friend Dan'l's house one day. My parents eventually phoned to figure out if I'd somehow managed to get there.

( ) been arrested
 Nope - just tickets, by deranged Malp Lake cops.

(x) gone on a blind date
 - yes, a girl from St. Kate's. She answered every question with the shortest, most factual answer she could...yes, no, 3, 1986. Then she invited me back to her dorm room. I was pretty good looking at the time and carrying most of the conversation. I also sort of kind of maybe I don't know went on a blind date with Ben's cousin. We'd exchanged letters, so maybe it wasn't entirely blind. And I think we decided we got along better as friends. We spent the one evening we were hanging out convincing Ben that the scraping noise he was hearing in his car was the bivalve located over the left front wheel well. He was heads down in his wheel well for a good hour or so.

(X) skipped school
 Constantly. School was boring. Kyle and I skipped to do most anything we could find to do. Some days were everyone went to the cities to shop days. There was just a wide variety, mostly involving notes from my mother I signed myself that she vouched for when the school called. I never got in trouble for skipping - but I did get in trouble whenever Kyle and I were caught skipping class and playing handball in the gym.

(/) seen someone die
 No, but - I have seen dead people from fairly close up after recent expiration. Near the Lake Street video store comes to mind.

(X) been to Canada
 You mean America's cap? I went to school at R.P.I. in Troy, NY. Canada was the fastest way to get there. We once avoided a run in with the Canadian law over a speed detector because the (female) border guard was hot for Dan'l tight 18 year old ass. Ah...if only he'd been wearing his red and white stripped short shorts, we'd have probably been handed bags of contraband.

(X) been to Mexico
 My parents live in Arizona - so we've been to the border and to Rocky Point. My daughter loved it. Here we are in December 2005, blogging after Mexico.

(X) been on a plane
 Are there people who don't go on planes? I don't think I'm on planes as much as I should be (in order to enjoy a vacation-rich, stress-free life). I'll be on a plane in two days.

(X) purposely set a part of myself on fire - yeah...grabbed a handful of lighter gas and set it afire. Unpurposely, I once set my Native American headdress on fire at an Order of the Arrow (Boy Scout) ceremony.

(X) eaten Sushi
 There are many posts on my blog about eating sushi. I love it.

(X) been skiing - In Minnesota, where my fond memory is of skiing with LissyJo and my friend Dan'l, while he was back from the first Gulf war. We went to the all evening skiing at Buck Hill, and he almost couldn't move when he boarded the plane. If you look carefully, I may still have a scar on my hip from wiping out one year. Also went with my friends to Michigan one year, which directly resulted in my decision to have Lasik.

( ) been moshing at a concert
 No...I don't think so. At least not officially.

(X) taken painkillers
 Aspirin. Advil. I took them to keep a toothache under control so long my dentist yelled at me for being an idiot.

(X) love someone or miss someone right now
 Yes...Eryn and Pooteewheet are gone :(

(X) lay on my back and watched cloud shapes go by
 They all look like phalluses.

(X) made a snow angel
 Long time ago.

(X) flown a kite
 Last year - with Dan'l and Conner. I remember flying those fat blow up ones when I was kid, the kind that had the warning "Don't fly if you're under 90 pounds." I also remember looking back to see if my kite was lifting off while I was at my grandparents' house in Montana, and hitting a tree so hard my grandmother heard it inside the trailer. Pretty much knocked myself out for a few seconds.

(X) built a sand castle
 Yep. White sand is the best.

(X) gone puddle jumping
 Sure, although usually on a three wheeler ATV. We used to whip through the corn fields hitting the tractor ruts that were full of green, muddy water. At least until my brother flipped the 200 cc ATV over and landed the rack square in the middle of his back affording him a trip to the hospital. Sort of put a damper on things.

(X) played dress up
 Used to dress up in a loin cloth and head dress for Scout ceremonies.

(X) jumped into a pile of leaves
 Because jumping into a pile of leavings would be gross.

(X) gone sledding
 With Kyle, Pooteewheet and Eryn just this January. Bounced on my nards a bit.

( ) cheated while playing a game
 That seems like a death sentence. Questioned the rules more than my share of times.

(X) been lonely
 Why the hell else would I meme?

(X) fallen asleep at work/school
 Yes - Roman History. I drank heavily the night before and then went to class because they were handing out the cheat sheet. The girl and boy behind me kept poking me everytime I nodded off and did the snap my neck I'm awake move. On the way home I bought a bag of roast beef sandwiches so I could foist them upon an also hung over Kyle.

() used a fake id
 Nope. Not really necessary. I'm 6'2" and have always looked a little older than I am.

(X) watched the sun set
 And rise.

(X) felt an earthquake
 No doubt. I was born in California under the auspices of Governor Ronald Reagan.

(X) touched a snake
 I once fell into a snake ball. You know...those winding, writhing, masses of mating snakes? Here - see the red garter mating ball on this page. That's exactly what I fell into. Climbed up a fence to run across the field to Kim Pullen's house, registered the snakes, tried to correct, bam, right into a ball of St. Michael horny garter snakes. Been disgusted with the things ever sense.

(X) slept beneath the stars
 I was a Boy Scout. I have my wilderness survival merit badge. I spent a weekend at Okpik, a National High Adventure Base in Ely, Minnesota. That's why I have a sleeping bag with a liner that's good to about 20 below zero.

(X) been tickled
 I trained myself not to be ticklish. I was. Now I ain't.

(x) been robbed
 Ditto, burgled. My family had their stereo stolen twice when we lived in Schnectady. Same guy - as soon as he got out of jail, he stole it again. Felt it was his because of the initial effort.

(X) been misunderstood
 - Yep. Ask Pootewheet about "Across the trail". I was also once called a game fascist for my critique of a friend's game. I'm pretty sure that was a misunderstanding. In general, I'm not a feeling guy, so misunderstandings are a given.

(X) pet a goat - MN Scottish Festival and the State Fair. I also had friends with goats in high school - no shortage.

(x) won a contest
 Yep...I have some ribbons upstairs somewhere. Boy Scouts do lots of contests - Winter Sled Races, etc.

(x) run a red light
 Though not on purpose.

( ) been suspended from school
 Told to stop playing handball and go back to my room. Chris Sells (mentioned above) was a good friend of mine, and if I'd been at the math event he was at, I would have been suspended with him for kidnapping Dwain in the school van. Fate kept me out of that one.

(X) been in a car accident - isn't "crashed a car" the same? Doesn't matter - yes, very soon after my license. I was between two cars in the Methodist Church parking lot and someone backed right into me. There was literally no where to go - cars within 1' of me in all directions.

( ) had braces
 I lived in one of the very first places in the U.S. to use fluoride. That's doesn't obviate the need for braces, but it helps.

(X) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
 Just a pint? Does anyone remember Bridgeman's, where you used to get the enormous bowl of ice cream for your birthday? I swear it was like 31 scoops. Ate it.

(X) had deja vu
 I once, while riding with my mother to work in the Twin Cities, suddenly remembered that I'd had a dream where her coffee had poured into her lap, she'd gone out of control, and we'd crashed and died. I stuck out my hand and the coffee cup fell right into it.

() danced in the moonlight
 Perhaps you mean "fishin in the dark"? No. Wait...I once did a strip tease in front of campfire after exiting from a defunct playground rocket. Close enough?

(X) liked the way I look
 Although I used to look better.

(x) witnessed a crime
 Had the bright, shiny, silver gun actually kicked under my car. At which point the cop gave me a stern look and dared me to drive away while he was fetching the firearm. I also was present at Wu's when a bag of money was stolen. The cops came and questioned us and I couldn't remember either a.) how many people there were or b.) what color they were. Ming was amused.

(X) questioned my heart
 Yes. It has an arrhythmia. At least it used to.

( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
 Only in the context of putting them on my own little story/job board at work.

(X) squished barefoot through the mud
 Once had to walk back to the farm because my grandpa, dad and uncle got the truck stuck to the side boards in the mud.

() been lost
 No. I can always figure out where I am. This is a skill men have. Acknowledge it and fear it. It's like we have an internal GPS.

(X) been to the opposite side of the country
 What the hell is the opposite of Minnesota? Wisconsin? Iowa? The Dakotas? Sure. All of them. If you mean the east or west coast. I've been to those as well.

(X) swum in the ocean
 Gulf. East coast. West coast.

(x) felt like dying
 Good lord - back when I was about 12. It was probably allergies or hormones.

() cried myself to sleep
 If I'm going to cry, I'm going to stay awake and inflict my sadness upon others.

(X) played cops and robbers
 We played a game in Boy Scouts that was like Capture the Flag, except it involved aluminum cans and was called "Smuggle the Drugs". The parents hated it. It was more like DEA agents and drug runners, but close enough.

(x) recently colored with crayons
 I have a young kid. I colored yesterday.

() sung karaoke


(x) paid for a meal with only coins
 Legal tender, baby.

() done something I told myself I wouldn’t
 I don't really have limitations I'd break that I wasn't willing to break initially, so they weren't limitations in the first place.

(X) made prank phone calls


() laughed until some kind of beverage came out of my nose


(X) caught a snowflake on my tongue


(X) danced in the rain
 One of the first song's Eryn knew.

( ) written a letter to Santa Claus
 My parents might disagree - I just don't remember.

(X) been kissed under a mistletoe
 Yeah...but who cares unless she's on her knees. Wait...what? No...I would never ask Pooteewheet to do that under the mistletoe at Christmas. I wouldn't ask...

( ) watched the sun rise with someone I care about
 Does it count if I watched it with myself?

(X) blown bubbles
 I have a young daughter.

(X) made a bonfire on the beach


(x) crashed a party
 Many - although they weren't generally "closed" per se.

(X) gone roller-skating
 Whoa - the snowball was a big thing in Monticello.

(X) had a wish come true
 If you're a good friend of mine, I might some day tell you about the wish I was granted by an evil spirit. Serious.

() worn pearls
 Wow. Is this so wrong. Is this a Pearl Necklace song sort of question? Then absolutely not. I have never worn a pearl necklace.

(x) jumped off a bridge
 I have also peed off one, with the intention to hit the water before I was done peeing.

( ) ate dog/cat food


( ) told a complete stranger I loved them
'

( ) kissed a mirror


(x) sung in the shower
 I sing all the time.

(X) had a dream that I married someone
 And then immediately dumped the person I had the dream about.

() glued my hand to something

( ) got my tongue stuck to a flag pole

( ) kissed a fish

(X) sat on a roof top
 Used to sit on the rooftop at my parents' house all the time. Also sat on Joey's shed.

() screamed at the top of my lungs
 I'm never that frustrated with anything. The world adjusts.

( ) done a one-handed cartwheel


() talked on the phone for more than 6 hours


(X) stayed up all night
 - Boy Scout lock ins, among other things. Sounds sinister, but it generally involved watching Apocalypse Now and Brazil until 7:00 a.m.

( ) didn’t take a shower for a week


(X) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
 Many apple orchards in my home town.

(X) climbed a tree
 In my front yard was a bass tree like 60' high. We used to climb to the very tip top where it wasn't even certain it would support your weight. I don't think my parents approved. I'm pretty sure they didn't approve when my brother was climbing the tree and I threw charcoal briquettes at him. I also climbed a tree once and had a HUGE spider drop out of the tree in front of my face - fell right on my back.

(X) had a tree house
 My Dad was great - when we didn't have enough trees he built us a tree house with two wooden poles to compensate. In Oregon, we had a playhouse that was like a treehouse, but no trees.

( ) been scared to watch scary movies alone
 I LOVE scary movies.

(x) believe in ghosts
 Now that my niece has seen the dead potato boy. I also had a girlfriend in high school who lived in a very old house and I used to hear something walk down the steps. She said when it was nightime, the footsteps would go down the stairs, and walk into the corner windowed area.

() have more then 30 pairs of shoes
 In a lifetime....yes.

( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say


(x) gone streaking
 My best man toast for my friend Dan'l and his wife CookieQueen was about how he and I had gone streaking on a biking trip and she'd caught us (and our friends), and that was how she'd picked out her future husband. Also gone skinny dipping at Boy Scout camp at the Huck Finn Adventure Area - way less gay then it sounds. There were Swedish Scouts nearby, and they don't limit to just boys.

(X) gone doorbell ditching
 Van Erps in Monticello. I know he knows it was me and Kyle.

(x) played chicken
 Although more often we played Klingons and zapped cops with our headlights.

() jumped into a pool/hot tub/lake with all my clothes on
 Why? Just get naked.

(x) been told I’m hot by a complete stranger
 I guess - she gave me her number and told me she wanted to (blank) me. Settle down Pooteewheet, it wasn't last week.

(x) broken a bone
 Got run off the road while on my bike by a car. The drive yelled "You ok?" and then took off. The doc said it wasn't busted, but while having a greased watermelon fight at Scout Camp (just like it sounds), it was bent and hurt like hell. After camp, my parents told me the doc had called back to say it was broken.

(X) been easily amused
 Heck, by myself, all the time.

(x) caught a fish then ate it
 Worked on my fishing merit badge. Except it was at Fort A.P. Hill Virgina and it might have contained PCBs.

(X) caught a butterfly
 So pretty - must preserve it by killing it.

(X) laughed so hard I cried


( ) cried so hard I laughed


() cheated on a test

( ) owned a Britney Spears CD
 Fuck no. But Kyle bought me a Madonna CD, and she kissed Britney Spears - so by proxy or STD.

(X) forgotten someone’s name
 I am horrible with names. Beyond horrible. I have tricksey ways to try and remember them.

() French-braided someone’s hair


(x) gone skinny dipping in a pool
 Yes. In Monticello. Rather risque - it was a senior's house and I was a sophomore. Also in a lake.

( ) been threatened to be kicked out of my house
 Not in earnestness.

( ) been kicked out my house


() had a fantasy over someone I love as a good friend?

() sun-tanned naked


( ) ran naked in the rain

to which, She Says added…

() crossed the Equator
() lied to someone I loved
() lied to myself
( ) bought new clothes rather than do the laundry
(X) left dirty dishes in the sink until they started to smell/mold
() hidden dirty dishes under my bed
() had ice cream for breakfast
(x) called in sick when I wasn't
() snooped into my roommate’s/friend’s stuff
(x) kept a diary
(x) filled out a credit card application just because I wanted the freebie they were giving away
(x) learned a foreign language
(x) gone without shaving (face, legs, whatever) for more than a month
(x) had surgery- stomach, it was upside down at birth. Forehead, to remove a birthmark.
( ) dated someone more than ten years older/younger than I am
(X) driven in a foreign country
(X) slept-in past 2:00 pm - only when sick.
() faked an important something to get off a phone call or out of a date
() pierced my own body part

To which I am adding:
(x) Biked at least 100 miles in a day
() Turned 40 - HA!
(x) Forged a signature on something