You've Been Baptized

So, I've been ordained for a while now. I still need to file my paperwork with the county (I know, I'm lazy), but I've been pondering whether I should worry about performing rites of other sorts. I've come to a conclusion. As my first act, I've decided that baptism, by me, is not voluntary on the part of those baptized, but rather a consequence of being in any sort of liquid with me or sharing any sort of liquid with me. Like what, you might ask? I offer some examples:

1.) If you have been on a slip and slide or at a Wisconsin waterpark at the same time as me, you are baptized. Conner, this means you. Cookie Queen - some of the water splashed from the slip and slide hose feed onto you when I stepped on it - you too are baptized.

2.) If you share beer with me, particularly a pitcher. Dan'l, Kyle, Adam - this obviously includes you. Erik, it probably means at some point, if you don't fall under a point below, you too will be baptized.

3.) If you partake of any food stuffs I make that include any liquid, you are baptized. This will probably include everyone at Tall Brad's Chilifest, particularly if you vote me (and Pooteewheet) into third place for like the fourth year in a row.

4.) If you were in Schultz (e?) Lake on any one of the several days I was there and immersed, including the one where I locked myself out of my car. Yes...you were baptized by an idiot that day. Welcome to the faith.

5.) Chris Sells, Microsoft guy. I had a drink of your berry soda to see what it tasted like. You are baptized. Your mother and stepfather both gave me a beer - they are also baptized.

6.) Anyone who drinks coffee from the coffee dispenser in the c-building at work at any time. How can this be if I'm not there? I am at that coffee dispenser so often that the times between cups don't suffice to interrupt my holy, exalted presence - if you are at that particular coffee machine, you are basking in my coffeeness and you are baptized. Erik, please note that this supersedes item #2.

7.) If I've ever spit on you, you are retroactively baptized as that's a whole lot of holiness. I think that Chris (#5) is the only one that applies to, but he triple dog dared me while I had a mouth full of water and was a stupid eighteen year old, so it's his own fault.

8.) If my tongue has ever touched your body - this obviously involves liquid and you are baptized. Some of you more so than others. This is spit, so like #7, we'll retroactively apply it.

9.) Note that licking your arm is my tongue touching your body, so Christy, you're baptized.

10.) If you use my parents' cabin, I've been in the water in the foundation so much that it permeates the whole structure. You too are baptized.

11.) I think my dentist and oral hygienist are unbaptized - they wear latex gloves. This is very unrighteous of them, but it would be gross otherwise, so good choice.

12.) Farting may be part solid, part gas, part liquid. The church is undecided about whether I can qualify this as baptism.

13.) If I've ever worked with a plumbing system that involves you. This includes all of our renters.

14.) If you've looked at any picture I've posted to my blog involving water, you're on dangerous ground. You'll have to decide for yourself whether it counts, but if you had to think about it, it's likely you're baptized.

I'm sure I'll think of some other appropriate situations, but for now 80% or so of you who have come in contact with me in the last year can consider yourselves baptized members. I like to think of myself as the Typhoid Mary of Faith. You don't have to agree with any of the planks of the faith, we're fully inclusive of schismatics, heretics and nonbelievers. Even if you don't believe in us, we believe in you. Peace.