Snarky and Scooter

Snarky and Scooter (based on Ben Stiller's Heat Vision and Jack - if you read this, you can probably avoid 30 minutes of that - consider it time saved. A gift of sorts. All similarities to persons living and dead are entirely uncoincidental.)

Snarky, a torts lawyer turned PHP programmer involved in a freak legal information accident that turned him into an encyclopedia of law, able to access large legal caselaw repositories remotely without the aid of a computer. He hates the law and the people subject to laws, but his unique gift always draws him back.

Scooter, another programmer. Involved in a freak biking accident that merged him with his Bianchi Brava 1988 road bike making him a living bicycle. Wild and unpredictable, his primary motivation is to get women to sit on him.

One bitter and jaded. One footloose and maybe certifiable. Together they flee the powers that would bring anarchy to all law-abiding citizens, an anarchy that would force everyone to increase their use of online legal information repositories.

Episode 1: The One With Miss Pisbo Beach

Miss Pisbo Beach: "Help! Help!"

Snarky, running up panting, a slight limp from a volleyball injury: "What's wrong?"

Miss Pisbo Beach: "I need the tax law details about how to claim my pet kitten as an accessory to my pageant activities and whether I can sue my manager for publicly defaming Mr. Whisker-kins at the Miss Pisbo Beach nude invitational."

Scooter, rolling up: "Oh man...that is so much Greek to me. Actus corpus reus. You were a lawyer, Snarky. Can you help her?"

Snarky, standing stock still with a far away look on his face, then a vicious shake of the head as though disgusted at the very air around him: "Damn it. No way, Scooter. That database isn't in my subscription model. It's a dead end."

Scooter: "Bend my freakin' spokes. Maybe you should search Lex..."

Snarky, with a vicious, downward cut of his hand: "..Shut up, you pile of rusty gears! You want them to hear you? It'll cost us just to use their name."

Miss Pisbo Beach: "Who?"

Snarky: "Them. They're all around us, and they're watching, and we're covered by an airtight non-compete clause. Scooter. Give me two of your spokes, your sprocket, your chain and two feet of brake cable."

Scooter: "Dude! That is so inappropriate!"

Snarky: "Quick. Before the law changes and I have to graphically cite the information!"

Scooter: "Only if she removes the pieces for me."

Miss Pisbo Beach: "Do it yourself, you pervert!"

Scooter: "If I could lift my own chain tool, do you think I'd be hanging around here? You'd never get me off the hooks in the garage, lady."

Miss Pisbo Beach, looks disgusted.

Scooter: "Fine..." The pieces just fall off.

Snarky: "I think we can create an antenna to boost my access levels. Stuff the chain down my pants while I put the spokes in my ears and write a quick PHP injection script."

Scooter: "F' that, man. I'm going to have to pass."

Miss Pisbo Beach: "I'll do it."

Scooter: "Baby. After what we had together?"

Snarky: "Yep...no...almost...left...further...further. Right there. Compile me!"

Scooter: "Excuse me while I wrap a few more layers of handlebar tape around everything that might be my eyes. "

Snarky: "Got it. I'm printing off the relevant laws for you right now."

Scooter: "I don't think you took enough of my parts to make a printer."

Miss Pisbo Beach: "My hero!"

Scooter: "Lame! You should have been mine. You know my seat has pleasure nubs?"

Miss Pisbo Beach, looks revolted, but surreptitiously rubs his seat to check.

Snarky: "All in a day's work, ma'am."

Scooter: "Coffee?"

All three: "Always!" Back and handlebar patting accompanied by laughter and happy ending theme song.