Operation White Elephant

My sister is disturbed by the whole Bill O'Reilly war on Christmas riff. I think it's a valid controversy with just as much reasoning behind it as the war in Iraq. So maybe it's time we did the right thing and sent Bill abroad to fight the war on foreign snow so that it doesn't have to be fought here, where we could get really annoyed, particularly if we have to hear Bill blather about it, or something similar, on every Easter, Good Friday, Christmas, et al, for the next twenty years.

Really, you should blame Santa Claus for taking the Christ out of Christmas - after all, he overshadows the little tyke, getting pretty much nonstop play for two solid months. You see far more of Santa in yard displays than you do mangers. He influences our children with a continuous bombardment of toys from above. He sneaks into our houses at night and takes our food. And he is an acronym for Satan. It's a given that he's ruler of his own evil empire. Heck, throw in the Coke-addicted polar bears and penguins, and it's an axis of evil. He's probably hiding a WMD or two in his jolly bag of holding, and he's got the red-nosed guidance system to deliver them to the chimney of his choosing.

So Bill should take the fight to the North Pole...to protect us, so we don't have to fight Santa here. Operation White Elephant. We can get on with our lives, pretending nothing is happening beyond that marijuana-smoking, gay-friendly, conscientious protester redoubt to the immediate north, while Bill hunts Santa in his frozen desert caves, suppresses snowmen (and snowwomen) fanatics (keep an eye out for them on our soil - if you see one, give her a frosty reception) and gives lip service to mounting elf casualties. I think when Bill finally catches Santa and puts him before a jury of newly self-deterministic elves, his beard all gray and his belly not held up by a girdle, the American public will finally see him for the monster he is and welcome Christ back into Christmas.